Guy meets girl. Girl gives guy her cell number. They start texting. Guy sends girl pictures of his penis. Ummm ok. Alas, the new age of “dating”. While it wasn’t that long ago, I have a hard time remembering what it was like to date in the pre-text era. I long for those days. If you’re single, dating, and you own a cell phone, chances are high that you’ve been the recipient of a dick pic. This whole instant gratification shit blows –  pun intended. Finding out what a man’s package is like was similar to Christmas morning. With great excitement, you’d unwrap your most anticipated gift – you were either disappointed, ecstatic, or  just satisfied. Either way, it was a surprise and you dealt with it accordingly. Nowadays, unless they’re super creative with camera angles, you know what you’re getting into – or getting into you. Oh geez, I can go on all day with these puns…

I like to compare men nowadays to peacocks. Scientists believe male peacocks have larger and more colorful tails to attract female peacocks. The large, colorful tail is a sign of good health but, it’s true purpose is to  bring attention to the male peacock’s head. The artificial background created by his tail focuses her attention on the color of his head (color of his head lets her know he is of the same species and able to mate). So, male peacocks go around displaying their colorful plumage proudly in order to attract a female to mate with…sound familiar?

The phenomenon has spread across all ages, races, social and academic circles. Some men are kind enough to ask if you’d like to receive a picture while others send them unsolicited. These are always the most offensive yet fun. You’re minding your business, hanging out with your family or friends, and bam! There’s a dick staring at you from your phone. I don’t know how I feel about the pictures in either scenario. The considerate guy that asks for permission is often less confident and aggressive in life and dating. I usually don’t like him.  The “surprise attack” guy is the complete opposite. I guess it depends when in the “relationship” it happens in order to determine if it’s disrespectful or not. For instance, if the guy I’m seeing now were to send a picture, I wouldn’t be in the least bit offended.  Truth be told, I personally do not care for dick pics if I have not actually “met” the little fella. When I get these pics and if I reply, I usually do so the same way to all: “oh wow”. Yup. Wow. I mean, what the hell else do they expect me to say? I find “oh wow” to be the most generic, benign reply I can come up with, without expressing my true thoughts of his “feathers”. I’m not stroking (hee, hee) any egos and I’m not hurting any feelings.

My girlfriends and I have received enough dick pics to publish a coffee table picture book. Yes, we’ve entertained this idea. Not sure who would buy it, but the thought makes us giggle. Guys, you should know a few things when sending these dick pics:

1. We’re going to show our friends – whether it’s impressive or not. We are going to either give you props or make fun of you. You will never know which it is. If we love you, this doesn’t apply to you.

2. Don’t play with camera angles to make it look bigger. You will only look stupid if we ever “meet him”.

3. Having big “equipment” isn’t always a good thing. We might just pass you up out of fear you might cause us bodily injury. We might be a little brave if it catches us by surprise.

4. Having small “equipment” might get you a strike out without ever getting up to bat. See #3.

5. It’s ugly. Always. I’m sorry.

6. Dick pics don’t do much for us. They don’t have the same effect naughty photos have on you.

7. If we send you a naughty picture, it is NOT an invitation for you to send one back.

8. Manscape – do that.

9. In the rare event we DO ask for a picture…take your time in fulfilling the request. Don’t send a picture 30 seconds later. We know it’s from the “files” and you likely sent it to 4 different girls already. Tacky.

10. You might end up in a coffee table picture book. 🙂